A Series of Unfortunate Housekeeping
by knightwalker-s
Summary: Natsu sucks at cleaning and the guild suffers because of it.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Fairy Tail. Rights go to Hiro Mashima.

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_i._

Natsu's living situation was, and still remains, the most tragic story Lucy had ever had the displeasure of knowing of.

The house was nothing but a landfill. How the pink-haired mage ever had the possibility of even finding his way to the door, Lucy did not know. It was a maze. She swore he'd end up knocking over a pile of junk and becoming consumed as it toppled over him. She'd find herself screaming at night as she woke up from deep, disturbing nightmares. Nightmares of Happy's bruised, limp body turning up three weeks after he's been missing – found under one of the many mountains of god-knows-what that occupied the household. Nightmares containing Natsu suffering from irreparable injuries inflicted from stepping on ten-year old, chemical-ridden food. Nightmares holding all the disgusting insects she just knew crawled around the area at night; their hairy, little legs shuffling over Natsu's face as he slept away his latest mission.

Lucy would always tighty up every time she visited (which wasn't very often mind you). All she'd do when she visited his home was clean, clean, and clean some more. There was never a moment where she sat happily and mooched from him as compared to how he was nothing but a moocher when it came to _her_ living expenses. It all got to the point where she gave up. She didn't bother visiting because she knew he'd eventually come to her. She didn't bother cleaning because she knew he'd just make it messy again. She tried not to bother thinking about the sheer filth, although the thoughts always wormed into her mind as she tried to sleep peacefully. He was hopeless. She doubted that even Erza could change that side of him.

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This'll just be a short series of short stories dedicated to Natsu's crappy cleaning. Reviews are always appreciated, thanks.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Fairy Tail. Rights go to Hiro Mashima.

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_ii._

Keeping the guild in order, making sure all rules were upheld, possessing a freshly polished and armor-covered shoulder for her fellow guild mates to cry on—these were what kept Erza busy when she wasn't running around doing S-Class quests.

More often than not, she'd manage to sneak her way into her friends' personal lives and get involved one way or another. There wasn't ever a chance to turn her away (because she was the Titania for godsakes) so whenever some issue caught her eye, Erza made sure to stick with it until it was resolved.

Romeo being bullied at school? His classmates never dared utter another word to him after the scarlet-haired beauty volunteered herself to be Romeo's show-and-tell item. The teacher specified item but _she was the Titania for godsakes and she'd be brought for show-and-tell if she wanted to be brought to show-and-tell._

Macao fooling around with woman? There were only so many "I am his girlfriend you impotent fool" the man could take before he gave up on dating altogether and let the woman have her way. Drunken nights of romance were absolutely no fun when you have Erza tailing you around and pretending to be your lover of thirty years. Not like anyone actually believed her. Everyone knew she was no older than 19 – 20 tops – and it was evident she was Fairy Tail's Erza. It was just that no woman dared walk a 50-mile radius near Macao when he had nothing short of the devil hovered over him menacingly. He'd have to blame Romeo for ratting him out.

Bickslow developing strange sexual fetishes? He, actually no, scratch that. _Nobody _wants to remember that incident.

Yes, the woman was perfectly capable of babying every other person in the guild. That's why she took it upon herself to try and set Natsu straight after Lucy let it slip that the Salamander's place was every bit like a trash-filled hell.

Five year old sandwiches, more than a few scuffles involving rats, and two cockroach nests exterminations later, half of Magnolia was in flames and Lucy vowed never to get Erza involved with Natsu's private life again. Or hers for that matter.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer: **__I do not own Fairy Tail. Rights go to Hiro Mashima._

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_iii._

Fairy Tail received the honor of being interviewed by Sorcerer Magazine every month. Jason, the always-ecstatic interviewer, made it his ritual to visit a Fairy Tail member's home every time he visited. He took plenty of pictures, questioned preferred cleaning products, and gave each member's furnishing taste its own page in the issue it was published in. It was his dream come true. That's why he didn't think much of anything when the next scheduled interview was to be taken place at Natsu Dragneel's house. Others told him not to go, but he was a gay man who saw everything in a positive light. The fire dragon slayer's house must be _cool_, as he'd say with a grin.

The interview lasted only a few minutes at most. The "Natsu Dragneel Feature" never appeared in Sorcerer Magazine. Natsu was saddened, but it didn't come as much of a surprise to Makarov when Jason never came back for his monthly features.

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This really won't be all that long (neither will the actual chapters). I have another four chapters written right now, but we'll see how much I can drag this out. I'm aiming for ten at least.


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